Pessimism

I feel homesick
I feel restless
I feel ungrateful
I feel moody
I feel wistful
I feel unsettled
I feel bored
I feel tired
I feel unfulfilled
I feel ungrateful
I feel sad
I feel reserved
I feel trapped
I feel regretful
I feel resentful
I feel like a horrible person
I feel whiny
I feel depressed (is this what it feels like?)
I feel alone
I feel lonely
I feel fake
I feel empty
I feel unmotivated
I feel lazy
I feel hazy
I feel not like myself

Screaming underwater

CAN ANYONE HEAR ME??? I'm screaming internally and don't know who to turn to for help. Why can't I figure out what I want to do already??

I don't think I've ever had a strong handle on what I wanted to do on life. Of course there were phases where I thought that I definitely wanted to be this, that or the other but slowly my inner doubts and outside limitations chipped away at my resolve to do it. So let me list, once and for all my doubts and my limitations.

First my limitations:

1. Geography: I feel like I've always been limited by my geographic position. Most of my life, I lived on the west coast in a suburb outside of LA. But that was ok because once I moved out for college, I moved to the city - my dream come true. Then I realized most of the job listings for fashion and or journalism were based out of New York. Hit a wall. But that was ok because as I started to look for opportunities I found the world of PR. And I thought I was set! Nestled in the heart of the entertainment world, LA was full of opportunities for me to satiate my appetite for the glitzy-glam. Then I graduated college and moved to Illinois, to a city outside of Chicago. A non-commuteable distance away from the city, mind you. Hit a wall. And now as I look for opportunities here, I wistfully click on links for positions in LA. It almost seems like now that I'm not looking for jobs there, there seems to be an abundance of LA openings. good for you, LA! bad for me.
   
2. Family: This may put me on your list of Most Horrible People in the Universe, but I've always felt tied down by my family. Tied down to a certain place, certain responsibilities, certain restrictions that I have no option but to accept. This doesn't come without any benefits, my family has been my anchor, my support, my everything and I am thankful that I have such a close relationship with them. I've never been able to move to a place by myself (except for college). Even here, though I am not with my family, I have the same tied-down feeling with my spouse. I know, I know - this sounds horrible. And it could be my own cowardice that leads me to say this, but I feel like I've always been held back by myself as well as my loved ones. I feel like I've never had control over my own life. I feel like I've been relegated to achieve whatever I can within the confines of my life set by my family/spouse.
   
3. NO CAR: This probably sounds like the most petty of them all but having no car is a serious limitation. Yes I am willing to work for free! Yes I am willing to work long hours! Yes I am willing to do the most boring of tasks! Yes I am willing to go as far as I need to go outside of my city! My only problem: I have no way to get there! I have always had to share a car or be limited by bus routes. And don't get me started on public transportation in LA. That's a whole other rant on its own.

Now my doubts:

1. Self-Doubt: I've never felt like I'm that good at any one thing. I think the phrase, "Jack of all trades, Master of none" accurately describes me. I'm not an expert on any one thing and so even though I may be interested in something, I don't know too much in-depth information about it that I could be an expert in that field.
   
2. Passion-less? This goes with what I wrote above, I have a smattering of interests: painting, fashion/style, etc. but I'm not die-hard passionately in love with any one of them that I could do that one thing for the rest of my life.
3. No Drive: I'm an opportunity chameleon. Whatever opportunity that comes my way and that I think I can do, I take it. It doesn't matter that it's not exaaactly what I wanted to do, I do it because I can. This probably explains why I'm working in education right now, a field completely different than what I set out to do. Some people may think this is a smart thing to do but it's not. I wish I was stubborn and driven enough to tell myself, "NO, this is not what you want to do. Stick to your guns, woman!" Instead I tell myself, "Do it! You might like it then you can figure out whatever the heck it is you want to do in life." Then I get all emo/jealous about old classmates who are working at phenomenal places because they were persistent, didn't take the easy way out and got somewhere that they actually WANTED to be.

Ok, that felt good to get off my chest. Thank you to the cyberworld and readers like you that makes these extended rants/whinefests possible. I'm off to (wo)man-up, ask the Wizard for some courage, grow a pair, stop crying, etc.